I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
