remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
