I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
