Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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