connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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