This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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