I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
50% drunk capacity currently
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
