If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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