I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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