i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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