he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
