My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
