I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
