I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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