Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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