so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
