Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
