Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
