I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
