i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize