Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize