Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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