TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish you could order shots online.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
