you lied. pity sex is amazing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
