I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
