who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
