Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
