I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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