True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize