I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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