yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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