Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
