just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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