Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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