Life is so much better after having sex.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
