i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
