Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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