Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
