Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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