I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
