the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
