so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
