im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
