yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
