the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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