If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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