My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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