my soul wont recognize me after tonight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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