Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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