she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
