I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
