he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
