Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize