I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
