We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i love accidental penises.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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