i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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